me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
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Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
Hilarious if literal: arms race
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”