So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
You Might Also Like
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.