Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
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I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.