Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
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Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
Happy weekend !
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday