she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
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Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
this could fix me
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
Growing up was a huge mistake
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.