Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
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I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.