Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
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Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?