@goldengateblond: Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
@goldengateblond: College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
@goldengateblond: “She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
@goldengateblond: I've gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I'll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
@goldengateblond: Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
@goldengateblond: My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I'd throw a rock or something but I'm afraid I'd hit the dog.
@goldengateblond: OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
OBAMA: But you haven't even—
OBAMA: I'm resigning
OBAMA: haha gotcha
@goldengateblond: You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.