Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of goldengateblond's best tweets

@goldengateblond : A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said "well I didn't throw up" and this is now my measurement of success for everything.

@goldengateblond: I'd like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means "wow that's fantastic." Her texts are so much more fun now.

@goldengateblond: You know when someone's all "ugh this smells terrible" and they want you to smell it too? That's what sharing political news is like lately.

@goldengateblond: what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material

@goldengateblond: Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE

@goldengateblond: College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.

@goldengateblond: “She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.

@goldengateblond: I've gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I'll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.

@goldengateblond: Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.

@goldengateblond: My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I'd throw a rock or something but I'm afraid I'd hit the dog.