I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
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*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground