what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
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ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
“Why you watching this shit?”
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
“I’m helping” 😅
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
Duck typos.
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.