Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
You Might Also Like
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
Tough love is true love
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.