Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
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Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
I have so many questions.
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!