The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
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I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.