Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
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If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
Kids, do not try this at home!