Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
You Might Also Like
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone