Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
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If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.