me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
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I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
Imma just leave this here…………
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
💻🤡
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill