“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
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Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.