Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
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Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
Travel bloggers during quarantine
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now