Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
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banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today