Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
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By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*