When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
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I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
Acronyms got me like WTF?
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
Stonehinge
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this