my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
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“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
Sorry. Not sorry
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.