got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
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Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.