[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
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If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
[at the general store]
me: one general please
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink