Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
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[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha