Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
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Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
Tell the colonel to bring it
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong