[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
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Who comes up with this kinda stuff
his wife is probably gonna see that
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
Always a metermaid never a meter
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.