Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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Page of gruffybeard's best tweets

@gruffybeard : Me: You're clingy & adorable. Like a koala. Her: I'm amazed you can spell koala. Me: *deletes 'how to spell coalla' from browser history*

@gruffybeard: Her: Why is every chocolate in the box half eaten?

[Flashback to me biting every piece to find one I like]

Me: We have a rat problem.

@gruffybeard: Counselor: Why do you resent your wife

Me: She made me get out of line for Springsteen tix

C: Why

M: Something about her water breaking

@gruffybeard: 630: *wakes up to take dog for walk

632: *pours coffee and checks twitter

749: *steps in dog shit on my kitchen floor

@gruffybeard: The Jews probably would've wandered the desert for a lot less time if someone had just deleted Pokémon Go from Moses iPhone.

@gruffybeard: 911: What's your emergency?

Me: I'm scared. I *gasp* can't *gasp* breathe *gasp* again!

911: Sir, for the last time, unbutton your pants.

@gruffybeard: Her: Why's the couch smell like pee?

[Flashback to me watching The Ring alone]

Me: *points at son* I think someone had another "accident."

@gruffybeard: Damn girl, are you the Sunday crossword because I want to spend all day doing you...

@gruffybeard: Her: I love that thing you do to make me moan.

Me: *makes another plate of nachos*

@gruffybeard: 9: Daddy, wanna hear something cool?

Me: Sure!

9: *tells story*

Me: Ok, well clearly we need to work on how you define "something cool".