Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of gruffybeard's best tweets

@gruffybeard : Son: The landscapers almost hit me with their truck. Dad: So you're saying they almost... Mom: Don't do it! Dad: ...mowed you down.

@gruffybeard: Her: I need a living will.

Me: *wiping blood off knife* I've got a dead Steve. Close enough?

@gruffybeard: Yes kids, Daddy does have a favorite and you'll find out which one of you it is when my will is read.

@gruffybeard: Me: You're clingy & adorable. Like a koala.

Her: I'm amazed you can spell koala.

Me: *deletes 'how to spell coalla' from browser history*

@gruffybeard: Her: Why is every chocolate in the box half eaten?

[Flashback to me biting every piece to find one I like]

Me: We have a rat problem.

@gruffybeard: Counselor: Why do you resent your wife

Me: She made me get out of line for Springsteen tix

C: Why

M: Something about her water breaking

@gruffybeard: 630: *wakes up to take dog for walk

632: *pours coffee and checks twitter

749: *steps in dog shit on my kitchen floor

@gruffybeard: The Jews probably would've wandered the desert for a lot less time if someone had just deleted Pokémon Go from Moses iPhone.

@gruffybeard: 911: What's your emergency?

Me: I'm scared. I *gasp* can't *gasp* breathe *gasp* again!

911: Sir, for the last time, unbutton your pants.

@gruffybeard: Her: Why's the couch smell like pee?

[Flashback to me watching The Ring alone]

Me: *points at son* I think someone had another "accident."