I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
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Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude