@gruffybeard: Her: I need a living will.
Me: *wiping blood off knife* I've got a dead Steve. Close enough?
@gruffybeard: Yes kids, Daddy does have a favorite and you'll find out which one of you it is when my will is read.
@gruffybeard: Me: You're clingy & adorable. Like a koala.
Her: I'm amazed you can spell koala.
Me: *deletes 'how to spell coalla' from browser history*
@gruffybeard: Her: Why is every chocolate in the box half eaten?
[Flashback to me biting every piece to find one I like]
Me: We have a rat problem.
@gruffybeard: Counselor: Why do you resent your wife
Me: She made me get out of line for Springsteen tix
M: Something about her water breaking
@gruffybeard: 630: *wakes up to take dog for walk
632: *pours coffee and checks twitter
749: *steps in dog shit on my kitchen floor
@gruffybeard: The Jews probably would've wandered the desert for a lot less time if someone had just deleted Pokémon Go from Moses iPhone.
@gruffybeard: 911: What's your emergency?
Me: I'm scared. I *gasp* can't *gasp* breathe *gasp* again!
911: Sir, for the last time, unbutton your pants.
@gruffybeard: Her: Why's the couch smell like pee?
[Flashback to me watching The Ring alone]
Me: *points at son* I think someone had another "accident."