So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
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Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals