One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
You Might Also Like
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
NASA has no chill
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.