I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
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Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…