Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
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When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
This is I, Robot all over again
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake