I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
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Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
How high do the levels go?
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
Just say no
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
I forgot how to panic. Help
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee