A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
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Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
BRAKING NEWS!!
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
Um … Hot Wings please
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.