Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
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Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
Yes my dude
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
God has abandoned us.