Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
You Might Also Like
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
The 6 types of sex
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd