I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
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What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
called in thicc to work this morning
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one