What’s so funny?
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Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.