[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
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[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.