I am crying
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[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?