*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
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No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.