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Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
Did a trash talking tree write this?
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.