@hazelmotes1: Press Conference:
How do you respond to accusations that you over sexualize everything?
Me: *slowly takes entire microphone into mouth*
@hazelmotes1: I need to get in shape. If I was murdered right now my chalk outline would be a circle.
@hazelmotes1: I constantly google "how to put your kids up for adoption" so my kids can find it on my search history and know that I'm not messing around.
@hazelmotes1: I got fired on my first day as a paramedic for trying to revive everyone with true love's first kiss.
@hazelmotes1: Why does everyone have to point out they adopted their dog? Are they worried that we are suspicious because it doesn't look like them?
@hazelmotes1: My wife is all, "we love each other so much we finish each other's sentences," until it comes to a prison sentence.
@hazelmotes1: Me: Could a drunk person do this!? *assembles Ikea bookcase*
Her: that's supposed to be a couch.
@hazelmotes1: "Why does everyone hate me?" I texted with the clicky keyboard sound turned on.