It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
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Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
Breaking news:
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!