We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
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*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.