Funny Tweeter

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Page of hellohappy_time's best tweets

@hellohappy_time : [me when I see a dog walking alone without a leash] exactly who is representing you my lad

@hellohappy_time: heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like "no, there's already lemon on it"

@hellohappy_time: Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn't have come if you're sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale

@hellohappy_time: Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.

@hellohappy_time: My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.

@hellohappy_time: [at deli]
me: I'll take a platonic male friend that doesn't treat me like their manic pixie therapist

lady: we have cole slaw

me: ok

@hellohappy_time: Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]

Her: are you alright?

Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW

@hellohappy_time: This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.

@hellohappy_time: What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control

@hellohappy_time: "Hope you don't mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex" I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit