@hellohappy_time: heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like "no, there's already lemon on it"
@hellohappy_time: Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn't have come if you're sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
@hellohappy_time: Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
@hellohappy_time: My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
@hellohappy_time: [at deli]
me: I'll take a platonic male friend that doesn't treat me like their manic pixie therapist
lady: we have cole slaw
@hellohappy_time: Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
@hellohappy_time: This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
@hellohappy_time: "Hope you don't mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex" I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit