There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
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Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
Me, reading some of your tweets
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
Me, in DM rooms…
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?