elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
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[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
Is anyone gonna tell them?
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*