The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
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Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)