It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
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Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
6. me as a lawyer
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.