If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
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Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]