Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
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One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
Who did it better?
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.