Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
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May have had one breakfast too many
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
See..?
.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.