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I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.